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Thursday, January 8, 2015, 8:50 AM
當我需要你的愛 你不在In a relationship, i miss really easily, i like seeking assurance, sudden cheek kisses, holding hands all the time, i love the feeling where they put their palm on your head, somehow it feels like you are a little girl sheltered and taken care of. Those are just simple gestures but it feels so blissful to actually own them and smiling would be so tiring by then.. i fell in love with someone who had the same thoughts and pictures of a perfect relationship the similar way i do which was i why i never thought things wouldn't work out. Till now everything we said are still clear in my head. Initially i was just someone who fell first, someone that thinks a lot at night knowing that things were impossible. Many times i wanted to give up, my dad used to tell me that, find a guy that loves you more than you love him but i couldn't because people always say follow your heart and i know i'm the kind of person that would over anything else. Finally things came really naturally and my feelings were reciprocated. Those few weeks where things started was the best period of my life, although they were short but i'm contented for them. Today is the 5th day. But as everything came crumbling down, i realized we didn't really had the chance to do much or go anywhere together. I suppose timing was very important and we didn't have them. Those were things i regret we never had a chance to do together before things ended, yet we were always stuck on deciding where we want to go when there was so much we could do. I suppose i held myself back giving suggestions, this year i really wanted to fight for a trip where i could go overseas. Because i remembered that he talked about/said that going on a road trip with me would be fun. But right now, i suppose there isn't a reason for me to anymore. Right now, my heart still feels heavy. It is not comparable to the first day, but it still hurts. People become stronger in time and that's why the feeling depreciates together with it i guess i still need time. But whenever i am reminded of those memories in my head and during the midst of my sudden thoughts. It connects and aches right away. I've been experiencing poor appetite and sleepless nights, i realized myself drifting a lot and have seemingly became a body without a soul. I know i was not myself anymore and behind those smiles was a empty heart. As much as i do not want to harm my health, i know i should live well and not brood over what happened anymore and get on with my life, i still can't help it. From the very beginning, i never thought things would turn out like this, i felt happy and blissful thinking my life has turned out right and that I've come to find someone that accepted me for my bad, someone that fell for my little quirks and habits. Someone that makes me happy, someone that cares to actually make me smile. At the start, i had no answers and questions at all. But still, i waited patiently because i thought things were mutual and we just needed more time. As time went by, i started to feel what i'm anticipating for would not be coming. Slowly the cold heart truth came in bit by bit and i stopped expecting, from there where i left off, i started to change, i was afraid of expressing too much and giving all of me, i wanted to minimize whatever i felt that was one sided, daily long texts, photos, wallpaper, and saying those 3 words slowly amount to none. All these changes back fired and the distance only became larger, I decided to talk about it because it was painful to not know why are these happening, it wasn't easy coming out because i didn't wanna cause pressure i knew he was still unsure, but little did i know at the end that wasn't the true reason why. Yes the truth hurts. throughout this span of 4 months, it was worth while & it never came across my mind that i was wasting my time waiting, it was something i did willingly & i'm happy to stay. Even when i said i set a time limit for myself, i knew i wouldn't bare to do it when the time comes. I really don't know how long i will take to recover from this, because it was really hard leaving this. Especially after reading the new year message he sent and how things came to be. I thought that 2015 would really be a better year for us. I did not try to convince him to stay, because i know that he was assertive that i'm not the one. Perhaps at the end of the day, i want someone to fight for me the same way i fought for them. I want him to stay because of love and not other reasons, Although till now, i don't deny i want him back badly, as for me i knew he was the one for me. But i know i cannot be living in denial harping on to the hope that there's a chance he would ever come to love me when he never did at all. No matter what i am glad we shared that little bit of fate, We met, became friends, talked, went out & fell for one another. After all, we were happy throughout before it ended. I suppose this was why it's so hard to let go. I guess that's enough, i promised it was in the letter i wrote and i'd keep to it. Long ago, you said you wanted someone to call "mine" and although i felt like i was never yours to you.. i hope one day you do find someone, wholeheartedly. That day, i thought that would be the last text i'm ever gonna send until i get back on track with my emotions and my life. But at the end, i knew i didn't wanna lose him entirely and i chose to stay friends and in contact because those few days were unbearable, i know his presence still comforts me, i wanted him to still be there. I know i can't expect our conversation to be the same as before, but before it dies out.. hopefully, probably i've gotten through this difficult phase of my life. |
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